Mama Told Me Not To Come
by jak981125
Summary: Jet and Faye take Lau out for his first bounty hunt. But the guy they're after has a secret weapon: his mother!


Session 3 MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO COME by jak981125  
  
Author's note: This work is part of a series. It will make less sense if you don't read the earlier sessions.  
  
"If you tell me one more time that this is all my fault I'm gonna rip off that fake hand of yours and make you eat it," growled Jet. Jet and Lau had been trying to track down Lau's first bounty head. They had him in a pursuit when something went wrong with the Swordfish.  
  
"Well if it's not your fault, then whose is it? Who ripped my fuel line? Who put that make-shift repair work in and assured me it would be just fine?" asked Lau. "Who's about to eat his own hand? I mean it, stop bothering me," grumbled Jet. Neither one of them said anything for a while. They were both stuck in the sweltering heat outside of Doohan's while he and Miles made repairs to the Swordfish. A week earlier, Jet had harpooned the Swordfish while Lau was flying it all because of a misunderstanding. Jet had supposedly repaired the fuel line with a kit he bought off the TV. He had taken Lau out to catch his first bounty. It was a small fry; a hacker with a half million bounty. While chasing him over Ganamede, Jet's patch-up job on the fuel line came loose. They had to abandon the chase and Jet had to take Lau all the way back to Earth to have Doohan repair the Swordfish. Faye had caught the hacker by herself and got the whole bounty.  
  
"I wonder if she's blowing her reward on the dogs or the ponies this time," thought Jet out loud. As it so happens, she had actually gone on a shopping spree on Mars, but that doesn't matter. The radio in the garage was playing loudly. It had the news on. As luck would have it, the Blue Socks were not playing that day. Otherwise Miles would have been listening to the radio and paying no attention to his work. It was a news program and all the news ever seemed to talk about these days were stories about the syndicates. The news networks had never had better ratings than the week of the coup. First the Red Dragons were taken over by Vicious (thanks in part to Lau) and within days Spike raided their headquarters, killing Vicious and over a dozen top guards. Everyone in the solar system was eager to hear the fate of the Red Dragons after all that had happened. In some casinos, bets were being placed over whether or not they would disband.  
  
Just then the announcement came over the radio. "The Red Dragons have announced that they will not disband. They have just elected Akira Tsaito as their new leader." Jet groaned in disbelief. This revelation meant that Faye had won a bet the two of them had going. Another three hundred thousand wulongs down the toilet. Doohan stepped out of the garage. "I know, I know, I heard it too. Just cost me four hundred grand. Say Lau, you know anything about this Akira fellow?" asked Doohan. "He was an explosives expert. He used to work for Spike but did a few jobs for Vicious including bombing a shuttle belonging to the White Tigers after a treaty signing." "And what's so special about this guy? Why elect him?" asked Jet. "Probably because he was the most brilliant guy we had. He was smart, but he was also the type of guy who got his giggles as a kid by torturing the neighborhood pets. You know the type," replied Lau.  
  
"Well I got her up and running again," said Doohan. Say, which one of you put that patch on the fuel line? That stuff was just black modeling clay." Jet glared at Lau giving him a good indication that he had better keep his mouth shut. He was so far enjoying Lau's company far less than Spike's. At least Spike and Faye had WANTED to be bounty hunters. Lau was just doing this to earn his room and board on Bebop. "I just need to weld that hole from the harpoon shut on the outer body and replace the heat- resistance and then you can take her with you. It'll be about another half hour." Lau didn't look the least bit disappointed. Jet couldn't help but think this was one odd bird he had been stuck with. It had to be a hundred degrees out here and yet here was Lau, waiting patiently and he didn't even have the courtesy to sweat. Now out of syndicate garb, Lau was wearing a tucked-in red T-shirt, a black vest, black pants that were a wee bit too short for him, red socks, and black loafers. Not one drop of sweat or one speck of dust was anywhere to be seen on his clothes. His choice of weapon was a little odd, too. He had a Lueger specially designed to hold twenty one rounds in one clip. Jet knew that Lau was a crack shot and knew guns like the back of his hand. Nevertheless, he just seemed like such an oddball. It was hard to believe this fella had been a murderer for the mob.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity to Jet, the Swordfish was fixed. Before they left, Doohan made sure to give his condolences about Spike. Jet had been hearing that from everyone he knew lately and he was getting sick of it. He just wanted to forget about it and move on with things but everyone in the solar system knew about what had happened to Spike. Jet and Lau finally sped off. Launching off of the surface of earth was never an easy task. You had to navigate a maze of asteroids on your way out. Both of them made their way through and entered hyperspace. After a short time, they exited at their gate and landed on the Bebop, which had been left orbiting Mars. As soon as they pulled in, Jet saw the Redtail. Faye had gotten back before them. Jet was not eager to go in. He could only imagine the kind of gloating he was in for when they walked in.  
  
"OK, here's your lousy three hundred grand, and if you say one more word about it I'll..." Jet lost his train of thought. Faye was completely fixated on the computer. "Hey what gives? Aren't you going to rub my nose in it?" asked Jet. "There was a prison breakout on Titan," replied Faye. "So let the cops handle it. That's not something for bounty hunters to get involved in," said Jet. "That's not the point. They already caught the inmates," said Faye impatiently. "So what are you telling us all this for?" asked Lau. "Because they think the guy who masterminded the whole thing was a third party and they're offering six million just for giving information that will lead to his arrest," replied Faye. "What do we get if we actually catch the guy?" asked Lau. "I don't know. It doesn't say. They think the man behind the whole thing is this guy." On the computer screen was a surly looking bald man with an eyepatch named Albert Jeegerman. "Why this guy?" asked Jet. "What makes them think he was responsible?" "Apparently this fellow was a guard there. Three months ago he had been caught taking bribes from prisoners to bring in contraband and was nearly fired. Plus he was in the control room the day of the breakout and turned up missing afterwards," said Faye. "That still doesn't mean it was him," said Jet. "Did I mention that once they caught the inmates, they said that it was Jeegerman who had let them out?" asked Faye coyly. "No, but that would have been a nice piece of information if you had," said Lau. "I don't suppose you have any idea where we might find this Mr. Albert Jeegerman?"  
  
At that very moment that same Mr. Albert Jeegerman was heading for the one place in the solar system where he felt safe, the one place where he wouldn't be judged. He walked into an apartment building and knocked on the door. An old woman answered. "Mama, I'm home! It's so good to see..." Jeegerman never got a chance to finish. The old woman clocked him good and then grabbed him by the ear and dragged him back inside. "Where have you been? I sent you out to go get milk and it takes you twenty years to get it? Where did you go for it? Earth? And you don't even have the milk!" screamed the old woman. "Mama, I'm sorry but..." She clocked him again before he had a chance to finish. "Don't you talk back to your mama! And don't interrupt me. Now go to your room. You're grounded!" snarled his mother. "Yes mama," replied Jeegerman, not bothering to point out that it was a studio apartment.  
  
In the meantime the Bebop was landing in a bay on Mars. As soon as it touched down, the Hammerhead, Redtail, and Swordfish took off towards the nearest city. They came to a group of apartment units.  
  
"OK, we're looking for apartment 209," said Jet. They may not have had Jeegerman's current whereabouts on file, but they certainly had his mother's address. Maybe they could trick her into telling them where her son was. She might know. Once inside the building they realized something right away. The apartment numbers all had a corresponding letter. That meant the apartment could be either 209A or 209B. Jet was irritated and resisted the urge to tell Faye that had Edward been with them, this was a tidbit of information they wouldn't be lacking. "OK, we'll split up. Faye, you go to 209B. Lau, you and I will go to 209A. And everyone remember their lines," said Jet. Faye headed off in one direction and Jet and Lau headed off in a different one. Lau lit up a cigarette as he silenced his communicator. The important thing was that the woman not know they were looking to arrest her son. Both Jet and Lau were wearing suits instead of their regular outfits. They approached apartment 209A and knocked on the door. Jeegerman's mother opened right away.  
  
"Good morning ma'am. We're from the Publishing Clearance House Sweepstakes and your son Albert has just won our grand prize of three hundred million wulongs. However we are unable to locate him at this present time in order to disperse the prize money and we wondering if you would..." Not surprisingly, Jet didn't get to finish what he was saying. The old woman reached out and slapped Lau across the face, knocking the cigarette out of his mouth. "Young man, I don't know who your mother is, but I'd be willing to bet she'd be pretty upset if she knew her little boy was smoking," said Mrs. Jeegerman. Jet was shocked but had to resist an urge to giggle. "And let me tell you something else. You two aren't fooling me for even a minute. You're not from...wherever it was you said you were from. My little Albert's grounded and can't come out to play with you. Now good day." She slammed the door shut in both their faces.  
  
At this point Jet couldn't hold it in anymore and burst out laughing. Faye was returning from her attempt to find Jeegerman when she heard the laughter and came running to see what was so funny. "Faye...you should have seen it...there was this little old lady...and she saw Lau smoking...and she...." Jet couldn't get a hold of himself and kept laughing. "And she what? What did she do?" asked Faye eagerly. But it was no use. Jet couldn't answer. "She slapped me upside the head because I was smoking. There, you happy?" asked Lau. The question was purely rhetorical because before he had even finished speaking, Faye started laughing too. "Are you two finished mocking me yet? Because in case you didn't hear her, Albert Jeegerman is inside that apartment," said Lau. "Hey come to think of it, you're right. This lady is nuts. She seems to think that everyone is a child and she said Albert was grounded. That must mean that he's inside," said Jet, once he had regained composure.  
  
"If she's really that nuts, maybe she only thinks he's inside," said Faye. "Why don't we just kick the door down and see for ourselves?" "And give that poor old lady a heart attack?" asked Jet. "There must be a more diplomatic way to do this without force." "Diplomatic?" replied Faye. "I'm a master of diplomacy. You just leave this to me. I'll find out if he's in there."  
  
Faye went up and knocked on the door. The old lady opened it again. At this point Faye made somewhat of a blunder. Upon seeing such a small old lady, she couldn't help but have some rather humorous images of this woman smacking Lau. She forgot what she was about to say and burst out laughing again. "Young lady are you drunk? And my stars! Look at what you're wearing! You come in here this instant and cover yourself up!" And before Faye, Jet, or Lau had a chance to react, Faye found herself being snatched into the apartment and the door was slammed shut.  
  
Once inside, Faye immediately saw a bald man sitting on a stool in the corner, facing the wall. She could not believe her eyes. Instinctively she whipped out her pistol. "Jeegerman!" she yelled out. She had momentarily forgotten that she was not alone in the apartment. Smack! A purse came down on her arm causing her gun to go off. Outside, Jet heard the shot. "The hell with diplomacy he muttered as he kicked in the door. However, all three members of the Bebop crew were rendered helpless by an onslaught of this old woman's purse. It didn't take Albert too long to realize that these people were bounty hunters and he jumped out an open window. "Albert sweetie! Wait! You don't have your coat on! You'll catch a chill!" yelled Mrs. Jeegerman. She jumped out the window after him.  
  
"Oh no!" yelled Jet as he raced to the window. He fully expected to see the old woman lying on the ground below with about a million broken bones. Fortunately, her apartment was only on the second floor. Had that not been the case I'm sure that she would have spent months in traction. Albert was running down the road. His mother tore off after him like a homing missile. Had not their six million wulongs been running away, Jet, Faye, and Lau would have thought this sight very amusing. However, at the moment their six million wulongs were indeed running away and they all had bruises from the old woman's purse so the sight was not in the least bit amusing. All three of them leapt out the window and took off after them.  
  
"I'll catch up with you!" yelled Faye as she ran off in a different direction. Jet and Lau ran as fast as they could after Albert and his mother. "Oh man, I gotta quit smoking one of these days," panted Jet. Albert was going fast enough but they couldn't believe the speed with which his mother was running after him. Neither could the bystanders. All of them were having a good old time watching the amusing spectacle unfolding right before their eyes. A few of them even looked around to see if they could spot a hidden camera. Every few seconds, Mrs. Jeegerman yelled out a different threat to her son about what would happen to him if he didn't stop. So far she had covered no TV for a week, no desserts for a week, the longest time-out known to man, go cut me a switch, the longest grounding known to man, go cut me a bigger switch, and various others.  
  
Just then, they heard a familiar roar overhead. It was the Redtail. Faye was flying as low as she could without burning anyone from the exhaust. Truth be told, Albert didn't even notice Faye. In fact he, wasn't even thinking about those bounty hunters anymore. He was busy thinking about what would happen if his mother caught up with him. "Oh man, why didn't I put her in a home?" he said out loud. "If I did, they'd probably toss her out for unnecessary roughness." Faye was still trying to maneuver herself just right. As soon as she saw her chance, she pulled in front of him, threw it into reverse and blocked his path. Albert stopped for just a moment and that's all the time Faye needed. She used a net-launcher built into the ship to nab Jeegerman. He was caught.  
  
His mother had other ideas. Seeing her son in a net enraged her and she took out her anger on the Redtail. "You leave my boy alone!" she hollered. "No one punishes Albert but me!" She took her purse and began to ruthlessly beat on the glass cockpit that held Faye. Faye didn't know what to do. Lau and Jet hadn't caught up yet and she couldn't take off or Albert might get free and run for it. The problem was that this lady could really swing that purse of hers and within moments, she had broken the glass.  
  
Finally Jet and Lau caught up and grabbed Albert. Both of them were quite prepared to defend themselves against Mrs. Jeegerman and her eight- ton purse. She approached with fire in her eyes. "Leave my Albert alone! He can't play with you right now! It's his bedtime!" She had her purse in hand and was poised to strike, but the blow never came. Faye had reloaded the net-launcher and nabbed the old bat before she could do any more damage.  
  
By this time, the entire spectacle had attracted one of the biggest crowds you had ever seen. Albert was starting to think that a nice long prison sentence was starting to sound pretty good to him. "I hope they put you away and put her in the cell next to you," growled Lau as soon as he had caught his breath. "That's not funny at all!" shrieked Albert. Now you can't have an incident this big without the police showing up and within a few moments, that's exactly what happened. Albert and his mother were both placed in police units. The Bebop crew had enough compassion for Albert to tell them to put him in a separate car. They went down to police head quarters to sort the whole thing out and to collect the bounty on Albert.  
  
A few minutes later, they all stormed out angrily. "Well I should have seen this coming," groaned Faye. "We are, after all the most unlucky bounty hunters in the entire solar system." "You mean stuff like this has happened before?" asked Lau. "Plenty of times," replied Jet. "Why didn't you tell me that in the first place. I never would have signed on with you clowns!" "Oh we're clowns are we?" yelled Faye. She jumped on Lau's back and began pulling his hair. "Oh get a room you two," groaned Jet.  
  
If you're wondering why they were all upset, it was like this. The terms of the six million reward were that you had to give the police information that would lead to the arrest of Albert Jeegerman. There was technically no bounty on him. Had they waited a couple of days, one certainly would have been offered. The end result was that they walked out without a single wulong.  
  
Just then a police officer came running out the front door. "Hey! Don't leave yet!" he called out. "What? What is it? Let me guess, they're filing a complaint against us for not being gentle enough when we busted them, right?" growled Jet. "No," replied the officer. "It turns out that even though that guy didn't have a bounty on him, his mother had one on her from a few years back." "All right!" shouted Faye. "How much is the old dame worth?" "Five million wulongs, ma'am," replied the officer. "I'm a little curious," said Lau. "What did she do at her age to get a five million bounty? I could see her getting nailed for assault or something like that, but that won't get you a price like five million." "Apparently she hijacked a city bus last year. She claimed she knew a shortcut and drove the bus right through a bank."  
  
After the officer had given the reward, and after the usual arguments about how much everyone would get, Jet turned to Lau. "Well you caught your first ever bounty head. How do you feel?" "Feel?" replied Lau. "I'm numb from the neck down. I can't feel a damn thing." "Welcome to the business!" said Jet, giving Lau a slap on the back. "Oh, and Faye, the repair guy said the Redtail will be fixed by sometime tomorrow." "Tomorrow? How am I supposed to get back to the Bebop?" complained Faye. "You could ride with me," replied Lau. "The Swordfish is a one seater. I can't fit in there," moaned Faye. "You could if you sat on my lap," smirked Lau. "Hmm... I could, couldn't I?" said Faye with a smile. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again, get a room you two!" growled Jet.  
  
Meanwhile, inside the jail, a policeman was taking Mrs. Jeegerman to a private room. "You just sit here and we'll have a real nice man come here to talk to you in a few minutes," he said. "Spare me the shrink," she replied. "I'm not crazy and I'm not senile." "Of course you're not," replied the officer with a smile. "Don't patronize me, you jackass. I mean it. I'm a with-it as you are," she said angrily. "Then how do you explain your rather erratic behavior today?" asked the stunned officer. "Sonny, one of the only perks of being my age is that you can have a lot of fun at other people's expense now and then just by pretending to be senile."  
  
SEE YOU SPACE COWBOY  
  
(c) 2004 Joseph Kerner jak981125@catholic.org  
  
Disclaimer: I did not create Cowboy Bebop. I wish I had, but I didn't. This is just fanfiction. 


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